Jesus said, "This is my command: love each other" (John‬ ‭15‬:‭17)‬. For most of my life, I had a vague notion that to "love each other" meant not saying unkind things, not getting angry, being nicer, or letting others go first. 

Love includes these things. But I missed a key way of showing love. One that I discovered as I learned to coach.

"Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable," David Augsburger wrote in Caring Enough to Hear and Be Heard. Think about how you feel when someone listens to you. Or how you feel when you're dismissed, talked over, and not listened to.

Listening clearly communicates love. People feel care, compassion, value, and respect as we listen to them. These are the effects of love.

As an experiment, replace the word "love" with "listen":

• "By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love (listen to) one another.'" John‬ ‭13‬:‭35‬ 
• "Be devoted to one another in love (listening). Honour one another above yourselves." ‭Romans‬ ‭12‬:‭10‬ 
• "This is my command: love (listen to) each other." John‬ ‭15‬:‭17)

Suddenly, loving others has a behavioral and measurable dimension to it.

How much are we as Christians noted for listening, and thus showing love? How much do I demonstrate my care and value for others by listening to them?

I'm not a natural listener. Listening is a skill that can be developed. One that will communicate love to everyone around you. 

Show love by listening to one another.

My ministry function hasn’t shifted much over the past 10 years. I’m working to equip Christian leaders to change their conversations to multiply their impact—in relationships, in ministry, in work.

Interestingly, the function of other aspects of my life has changed.

Not too long ago, Lori and I spent a large part of our time and energy on our two children: their education, their sports, their nurture. Now they are “launched” and our role with them is less time intensive.

The shift, at times, has been disorienting. As a friend put it, “For 20 years, we made all decisions with kids in mind. What do they need? How do we manage with them?” With just the two of us, the day-to-day equation is different. We’re rediscovering what we need, what we want, and how we are to live.

Many people attending our coaching training are experiencing change in some aspects of their lives. Perhaps exploring new freedoms, new roles, or new life stages.

Retooling your communication is an excellent way to meet the inevitable reorientations caused by change, and to help others do the same.

Grace & Peace,

Keith Webb

If I hit my thumb with a hammer as I hang a picture, the cause of my pain is apparent. Much of life’s cause and effects are not as plain to see.

I knew a leader who regularly gave his team rousing pep talks to motivate them. The team appreciated the talks, but didn't work together well or support each other. Why?

I’m reminded of the book of Haggai. The people of Jerusalem lived after the destruction of the temple. The people had built nice houses, but the Lord’s house remained a ruin. "Now this is what the Lord Almighty says: ‘Give careful thought to your ways’” (Haggai‬ ‭1‬:‭5‬ ‭NIVUK‬‬). The people have not prospered despite their hard work. The Lord was not blessing them because his house as in ruins. Again he says, ‘Give careful thought to your ways’ and instructs them to gather materials to build the Lord’s house. 

It’s only when we "give careful thought to our ways" that we can see the unintended effects of our actions. 

The leader who gave pep talks had a background of individual competition sports and used those metaphors. The team heard the strive-to-be-the-best pep talks and competed with each other rather than working together. He only uncovered the unintended effect of his pep talks though coaching as "he gave careful thought to his ways.”

Your communication has unintended effects too.

Coaching training provides space for you to “give careful thought to your ways” of communication so that you can get your desired, not unintended, effect. 

If you change your conversations, you’ll change your results. 

Grace & Peace, 

Keith Webb

Life has a way of increasing in complexity.

When I grew up there were 2 telephones in our home. My parents replaced them about every 10 years. Now, each person in my family has a phone, which is replaced every 3-4 years. Software needs to be updated several times a year. Someone's screen needs to be replaced once a year. 

And that's just the phone.

It feels, at times, I'm mostly just trying to keep up.

With emails.
With housework.
With broken things—software, systems, chairs, faucets.
With relationships.
With electronics.
With cars—maintenance, insurance, cleaning
With credential requirements.
With finances.
And the list goes on and on.

I envy those who downsize their living space. They've cut in half the number of things they need to clean and fix in the smaller space!

The principle here in life terms is: focus. 

Everything you create / launch / buy will produce additional things that you need to keep up with. So, only create / launch / buy what is most important to you. And "downsize" things that aren't.

Keeping up is easier if you have less to keep up with.

Some questions can only be heard and answered if you slow down. 

Ten years ago, I was traveling 70+ nights a year for work and another 20-30 nights with my family. I also led my organization, managed people, taught, and wrote. I was dad to high school kids. A husband. A friend.

My productivity was dialed in. I got a lot done. But it was exhausting.

There were fleeting moments when things would slow enough for me to hear internal questions like,

• How long can I keep this up?
• Is there another way?

My whole system didn't leave any room to slow down to think about questions like these. If I did slow down for a minute, more nagging internal questions popped up:

• Is this how I really want to live?
• Is this the most important contribution I can make?
• Am I being my best self?

Going fast, I could excuse myself from reflecting on these questions, “because I’m doing the best I can". Besides, I was busy and getting so much done.

I'm struck by how Jesus "often withdrew to lonely places and prayed" (Luke‬ ‭5‬:‭16‬ ‭NIVUK). It seems the busier he was, the more he slowed down to pray and reflect. 

When I think about it, it's not surprising that some questions can't be heard or answered when we're running fast. With no time to think, we only react. To keep the system going, we can't stop for a moment. Status quo wins. 

I slowed for intentional time to listen and reflect on the troubling questions the Holy Spirit was prompting in me. As a result, I made significant changes that transformed me, our organization, and my relationships. 

As you begin 2024, rather than "hitting the ground running" to continue your busy cycle, I encourage you to slow down, sit with your questions, pray, and see what adjustments God might have in mind for you this year.